Serenity Or Bust

I believe I am supposed to have patience with my chronic illness, but lately my patience is wearing thin. I am overly tired. I am in pain from this last episode of arthritis that has hit my hands and has made typing and working quite painful. I am working really hard to do what my doctor has told me to do and that is to rest, get massages, go to my chiropractor for adjustments, go to occupational therapy to get help with making fingers less painful and more limber so I can use them to type. It only works for a short time.

I am also on a new drug, called Methotrexate, which is actually a chemotherapy drug. While this drug gives many people relief after a number of weeks from their symptoms, I have had a bad reaction to it.  It has given me severe headaches, chills, fever and made me so tired I have been in bed for days after taking the drug.

At times like this I say the serenity prayer over and over again. If you don’t know it, it goes like this. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”  Sometimes I have to say this little prayer over and over again.  I even have to take it apart. 

So in case you are having some bad times like I am, let me tell you how I do this. The first line is “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” I cannot change the fact that I have a chronic illness that is not getting better.  I cannot change the weather, or my reactions to the drugs I take. I cannot change other people and the way they act.  This is a biggie for me.  I often don’t like the way other people behave. Some of them are angry people who yell or have bad attitudes.  I cannot change them or their behaviors. 

What I can do is in the next sentence of the prayer. It is, “the courage to change the things I can.”  If people around me behave badly, I can decide not to be around them.  They are bad for me right now. Actually angry people are bad for me anytime, but for right now when my immune system is down and I need more rest, I need to take care of myself and that includes protecting myself from people who are not good for me.  So I change my situation by not being around them.  I change other things in my life that I have control over. I eat foods that are good for me such as fruits and veggies.  I drink water. I get sleep. If I am tired I get rest.  I do the things that I have control over and change them.

The last sentence of the prayer is, “and wisdom to know the difference.”  Sometimes this is difficult for me. I have to think about it. Do I have control over what is causing me trouble? If it is another person, then the answer is no.  I can’t change them.  All I have any control over is how to protect myself at a time when I need to take care of myself and make sure that I have the stamina for the things that are important to me such as seeing my granddaughter Emma who will be 1 on October 23rd.  Having my list of what really is important to me is great at a time when I need to prioritize.

Patience…I Don’t Have Any Yet

According to Ralph Waldo Emerson” the philosophy of waiting is sustained by all the oracles of the universe". Waiting is a problem for me and while I'm dealing with a chronic illness  I'm learning that it's even more of a problem because I am not exactly patient.  I've said before I'm dealing with a really bad episode of arthritis that has affected my hands and my neck. Since my job involves writing/typing and the use of my hands this is a really big problem for me. Today is the first time I'm actually using a program to speak to my computer. It's weird having to train my brain to talk rather than type. But I'm grateful that I have this option to be able to continue my work. I'm also grateful that I have people at work who have been very supportive and to have helped me obtain the programs and equipment that I needed to do my job, work with students, write books and to continue to write blogs. Still getting used to a new medicine as well that I need in order to feel better is not easy at the same time. In fact, the medicine is making me feel worse. I'm tired, I have chills, and I have fevers. Today I read the little insert that comes with the medicine and guess what?????  Those are all side effects of the drugs.   This leads me back to needing to be patient. Patience is not one of my best qualities. So I start reading my daily reflections on patience. And it tells me "I need only to look and see that things happen in their own time. The resolution of each problem has its own timetable. No amount of wishing, wringing of hands or raging will affect that change. Acceptance is the simple act of going through what is presently facing me, be it pain, anger, despair, hopelessness or their opposites. When life as it really is becomes a fact that I accept as naturally as I breathe, events lose their power to throw me off balance or disturb the basic rhythm of my life." Maybe today I can practice what I just read.

Into The Present Part 1

I started telling you about my past. I can continue with that, which I will in future blogs, but now I want to talk about the present. There are some things going on that I want to share and I hope some of you can relate to. Plus I am up. It is 4 in morning. I have been up since 2 and my alarm goes off at 5:30.  So I might as well do something constructive.  Anyway, I have had arthritis and fibromyalgia for years. However, I kept it pretty much under control by working out and controlling stress.   This summer I had minor surgery, which went fine because I used my factor, but then I had other complications such as my oxygen dropping, a doctor overmedicating me, I couldn’t work out because it was my Achilles tendon that I had surgery on.  So all of a sudden, I had a terrible onset of arthritis and fibro. My fingers and neck swelled to the point that my hands were numb and my rings had to be cut off.  Since what I do for a living as a professor is to teach and write (type), not being able to use my hands is a big deal. My rheumatologist, Dr. Valente is great.  He doesn’t believe in pain killers to treat chronic disease. He believes in life style change.  At first I didn’t take that well. I thought it sounded like a death sentence and I whined and moaned, but then what I realized what he was giving me was a prescription for living my life with my disease, rather than letting the disease control my life.   So I am on prednisone, which as some of you know is not fun.  But it is supposed to take down some of the inflammation. Then I have to go to the chiropractor, massage therapist, get a speech recognition program to learn to talk to my computer, go to occupational therapy and physical therapy, learn to mediate, and the list goes on.  While I can’t seem to sleep through the night and watching my Chihuahua Sasha and Boxer Joey lay beside me sleeping peacefully, I just get jealous of them. In the next blog, I will tell you how I am doing on my wellness journey. It is quite the journey for someone who taking care of themselves and putting health first has never been the first thing on her mind.