Serenity Or Bust

I believe I am supposed to have patience with my chronic illness, but lately my patience is wearing thin. I am overly tired. I am in pain from this last episode of arthritis that has hit my hands and has made typing and working quite painful. I am working really hard to do what my doctor has told me to do and that is to rest, get massages, go to my chiropractor for adjustments, go to occupational therapy to get help with making fingers less painful and more limber so I can use them to type. It only works for a short time.

I am also on a new drug, called Methotrexate, which is actually a chemotherapy drug. While this drug gives many people relief after a number of weeks from their symptoms, I have had a bad reaction to it.  It has given me severe headaches, chills, fever and made me so tired I have been in bed for days after taking the drug.

At times like this I say the serenity prayer over and over again. If you don’t know it, it goes like this. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”  Sometimes I have to say this little prayer over and over again.  I even have to take it apart. 

So in case you are having some bad times like I am, let me tell you how I do this. The first line is “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” I cannot change the fact that I have a chronic illness that is not getting better.  I cannot change the weather, or my reactions to the drugs I take. I cannot change other people and the way they act.  This is a biggie for me.  I often don’t like the way other people behave. Some of them are angry people who yell or have bad attitudes.  I cannot change them or their behaviors. 

What I can do is in the next sentence of the prayer. It is, “the courage to change the things I can.”  If people around me behave badly, I can decide not to be around them.  They are bad for me right now. Actually angry people are bad for me anytime, but for right now when my immune system is down and I need more rest, I need to take care of myself and that includes protecting myself from people who are not good for me.  So I change my situation by not being around them.  I change other things in my life that I have control over. I eat foods that are good for me such as fruits and veggies.  I drink water. I get sleep. If I am tired I get rest.  I do the things that I have control over and change them.

The last sentence of the prayer is, “and wisdom to know the difference.”  Sometimes this is difficult for me. I have to think about it. Do I have control over what is causing me trouble? If it is another person, then the answer is no.  I can’t change them.  All I have any control over is how to protect myself at a time when I need to take care of myself and make sure that I have the stamina for the things that are important to me such as seeing my granddaughter Emma who will be 1 on October 23rd.  Having my list of what really is important to me is great at a time when I need to prioritize.

Learning Gratitude as Part of Wellness

Gratitude is a feeling or an emotion.  It is thankfulness and a benefit that one has or will have received.  According to my friend and journalist Rita Watson gratitude is an attitude that can lead people to be happier because they have more social connections and therefore less depression which can also lead to fewer illnesses and even a decrease in alcoholism. On my little journey into wellness, which is time consuming and difficult since I am not used to it, I have been reading about gratitude.  I read something in a meditation book the other day that I would like to share.  It states  “the habit of complaining, of wishing things were different, is nothing more than a way of insuring depression and misery  As I expose this and other destructive habits, asking God to remove then, I can allow myself to be happy. I am coming to realize that it is not life that owes me something; it is I that owes something to life.” This one little passage made me sit back and think about all I have to be grateful for in my life, rather than the fact that my fingers hurt when I type, I have this chronic disease that is not going my way and isn’t going to get better anytime soon and my son and daughter in law are moving this weekend with my granddaughter to another state.  So I started making a list of all I have and the list was so much longer than what I am going to call my “pity pot list.”  I have a great family.  I have two amazing adult sons who have made me so proud of what they have become.  I have a wonderful career that just gets better all the time.  I have everything material that I need. My 53 pound boxer that I decided to foster can now be adopted because she didn’t eat or chew on my 7 pound Chihuahua. In fact, last night I couldn’t find my Chihuahua who is normally under that covers with me so I woke up and was looking for her and I found her under a top cover cuddled up with the boxer. Now that is gratitude.   

Into The Present Part 1

I started telling you about my past. I can continue with that, which I will in future blogs, but now I want to talk about the present. There are some things going on that I want to share and I hope some of you can relate to. Plus I am up. It is 4 in morning. I have been up since 2 and my alarm goes off at 5:30.  So I might as well do something constructive.  Anyway, I have had arthritis and fibromyalgia for years. However, I kept it pretty much under control by working out and controlling stress.   This summer I had minor surgery, which went fine because I used my factor, but then I had other complications such as my oxygen dropping, a doctor overmedicating me, I couldn’t work out because it was my Achilles tendon that I had surgery on.  So all of a sudden, I had a terrible onset of arthritis and fibro. My fingers and neck swelled to the point that my hands were numb and my rings had to be cut off.  Since what I do for a living as a professor is to teach and write (type), not being able to use my hands is a big deal. My rheumatologist, Dr. Valente is great.  He doesn’t believe in pain killers to treat chronic disease. He believes in life style change.  At first I didn’t take that well. I thought it sounded like a death sentence and I whined and moaned, but then what I realized what he was giving me was a prescription for living my life with my disease, rather than letting the disease control my life.   So I am on prednisone, which as some of you know is not fun.  But it is supposed to take down some of the inflammation. Then I have to go to the chiropractor, massage therapist, get a speech recognition program to learn to talk to my computer, go to occupational therapy and physical therapy, learn to mediate, and the list goes on.  While I can’t seem to sleep through the night and watching my Chihuahua Sasha and Boxer Joey lay beside me sleeping peacefully, I just get jealous of them. In the next blog, I will tell you how I am doing on my wellness journey. It is quite the journey for someone who taking care of themselves and putting health first has never been the first thing on her mind.